I must admit. This was a long time ago, but still fresh

i'm in a great dilemma.i'd write you more but it only makes me feel worse afterwards.i'd come searching for you but i feel that would be an abuse.i'm afraid once again,still holding on to my newly rediscovered strengths yet afraid to take any step further towards you.i'd give you up but i don't feel ready.it's all about thoughts and feelings,it always is.on one hand i want to respect your space,i do.i want to respect myself more.on the other hand,i don't want to have to repeat these mistakes with someone else just because i never had a full chance to solve this equasion.i know,i know.you're back home,you're back to what you left for a moment aside.but i can't,i don't want to settle with being just a moment aside.i want my own place in your history,i want to know i mattered.i always want this,no matter what domain it may be.i'm fighting uncertainty and it's a hard fight because it hurt my eyes before i even knew of the fight.that's why i'm writing.i want this to either be my last attempt or my first letter.because when we promised we'd write.no matter how much under the influence we were,i actually believed in that promise.in that promise i made to myself that i'd be honest.i don't want to hide behind words and gestures and past and future mistakes anymore even if the light will burn my skin and scar my eyes.i embrace future pain for i need to gain starting from now.so this is the only answer i need from you.do you want me to write,do you want me to stop.may i keep writing your name in the square or should i just settle for paper and pencils with an unaddressed destination?there's too much dirt hanging on my soul,i wish to shake it off so that my steps can be lighter,so that whenever i shall take another step it can be the first one in a long flight,not leaving heavy dirty marks all over someone else's road,just light leading towards a peaceful oasis.i don't want to ask anything from you,ever.but it's just hypocrisy targeted at myself because i want your help,i want your presence until i can finaly step uncrippled and finally fly.i want your shade spreading over my thirsty mind until i find the yellow brickde road towards my own oasis